Medication Blues

Came across this picture today and it got me thinking. There’s the Ying and the Yang, the black and the white, the good, the bad and the ugly.

It summed up how my life as a depressive has been and maybe this is how it is for others who do not suffer, I don’t know I’ve never experienced it without being followed by the Black Dog so I don’t have comparisson to make.

I’ve been off and on meds for over 25 years now and as I have moved around and been bounced from one GP to another not one has had the thought to refer me to a psychologist. Instead I have been handed meds and come back in 6 weeks. Rinse. Repeat. Meh !

With meds I can exist, it’s all very grey.

When I first started to take my anti depressants they turned me into a zombie for the first week, a crying bucket of guilt ridden shame and woe the second for two weeks , the fourth week that all went away to be replaced with over whelming despair. Then finally around the sixth week I woke and felt nothing and have mostly been that way since. Oh you get the odd day when feel great and a few blue days but mostly you are meh!

Welcome to the world of grey flatline.

All feelings are removed or very blunted; when I hit my thumb with a hammer it still pisses me off.

My love has become as the heartbeat of a dormitory woodmouse, beating faintly. The same with passion and desire. Rarely an early morning erection will remind me that it has other uses, waving at me in a futile quiver as I stare at it deflating before me.

It’s so frustrating because you remember yourself before. You have a yard stick with which to compare.

Perhaps in another post I will talk about my experiments to combat the Grey.